


Breathe

by carter-sg-1 (Areneth)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s07e01 Unimatrix Zero Part II, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Areneth/pseuds/carter-sg-1
Summary: Takes place directly after Unimatirx Zero II - Janeway POV - sickbay & recovery
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 21
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter 1

There were voices, so many voices… shouting, screaming, demanding, probing… then

*Her.*

Cruel laughter, taunting, stripping you of everything you are, mocking your darkest, most treasured secrets then…

Pain, unbearable pain, hot lava pouring down your veins, tiny claws ripping you apart, turning you into…

*Them.*

Darkness  
****************************  
Kathryn awoke screaming in agony.

She was being held down, immobilised, surrounded by beeping, voices and alarms - organised chaos. Different than before.

Bright lights were blinding her to her immediate surroundings.

A voice penetrated through her panic, "15 ccs triptacederine."

A blonde blur entered her peripheral vision before a cold nozzle of a hypo-spray closed on her neck.

"Anetrizine." The voice demanded further.

"Captain, you are in sickbay, please try to relax. You are safe. Your vision is temporarily blurry, we are regenerating the optical nerve."

*Tom.*

She tried to speak, but couldn't control her vocal cords. Panic arose again.

"Mr Paris, try to calm her down, we need to stabilise her before removing the cardiac augmentation implant."

*Implant?!?! Borg! B'Elanna! Tuvok! No... no, no, no, no, no!*

"Mr Paris!"

"I am trying Doc… Captain, I promise, you are going to be OK, please try to breathe. Please."

*no no no no no no no no no no*

"Mr Paris she is going to go into cardiac arrest!"

"Doc I'm trying..."

A shadow fell over the bed, blocking the unforgiving light.

"Kathryn." strong, familiar presence penetrated the visceral panic. She could feel warm fingers interlacing with her clammy, frozen ones.

*Chakotay.*

"Breathe Kathryn. Don't try to speak. You are home. Everyone is safe. Breathe..."

Though her vision was blurry and she could not focus on his face there was no doubt - it was him. He would not lie to her. His scent surrounded her, gradually calming her down.

"Breathe Kathryn."

....

"Heart rate slowing down, returning to within acceptable parameters. 10 cc Lectrazine. Keep talking to her Commander."

Darkness encroached once again.

"Rest Kathryn, I'll be here when you wake up. Relax.… Breathe." His fingers tightened.

Irrational fear lingered … but He was here. He would not let… go.

*****

Next time she awoke gradually to the smell of antiseptic and gentle cadence of hushed voices.

*Sickbay.*

She slowly opened her eyes and found the lighting subdued and her vision significantly clearer.

*Nighttime.*

She experimentally wiggled her fingers and tried moving her hand - only to find it immobilised.

She panicked for a moment, thinking she was still being restrained before a puff of warm air blew up her sleeve.

Looking down she was met by an unruly mop of black hair resting on her hand.

*Chakotay.*

He must have dozed off keeping his silent vigil. His head was resting, at what looked to be a very uncomfortable angle, against her midsection.

Even in sleep he looked beyond exhausted, worry lines etched into his brow.

Scanning the rest of the sickbay she could just about see Tuvok on the main biobed, the sensor arch still raised around him. The second biobed was partially obscured by the privacy screen, but she could make out the Doctor, Tom and B'elanna talking in hushed voices behind it.

As she was resettling her head back onto the pillow she noticed how unusually cold it felt.

Realisation struck.

*I'm bald!*

As she raised her free hand to check her scalp agonising pain lanced down her back.

Her gasp of pain awoke her first officer and alerted the Doctor to her wakefulness.

The Doctor rushed over to her side injecting her with a hypo-spray.

"Captain! Please lay back down, your lower back is recovering from spinal clamp removal."

She tried to breathe through the pain, praying the medication would work it's magic sooner rather than later.

"Breathe Captain."

"I'm trying to!" she hissed through her teeth as high pitched buzzing threatened to overwhelm her.

Chakotay caught her hand in his own again. She hung on to it like a lifeline.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the agony started to dissipate, taking away the buzzing, leaving only a dull ache in its place.

The Doctor was speaking, apparently listing all of the procedures that had been done to her.

She felt too weak to interrupt him.

"Doctor." Chakotay stopped him, command steel in his tone. She almost grinned, he had almost sounded like her.

"Ah, yes… if you will excuse me for a moment, I need to look in on Mr Tuvok.".

Kathryn couldn't even force herself to open her eyes to follow his progress across the room.

A hand gently wiped the tears from her face.

She forced herself to release her second in command from her death grip.

"Sorry."

Chakotay didn't let go of her hand.

"Hey. Nothing to apologise for. I'm here...as long as you need me." He preempted her feeble protest - "Gamma shift is in charge."

Finally opening her eyes she found him leaning over the biobed, holding her hand, shielding her from the view of the main sickbay. He looked haggard, she thought - the dark circles making his eyes look almost black.

How long had she been here?

"It's been 33 hours."

*Could he read her that easily?*

"That's not what I..."

"The carpets are cleaned." He quipped.

There, a dimple. It lifted some of the chills from her bones.

*Chill...*

"Chakotay, am I … bald?"

He grinned, running his free hand gently along her smooth scalp.

"If I understood the Doctor, the correct term would be - alopecia."

Her eyes widened. It did feel a bit… draughty now that she thought about it. She could feel a blush climbing up her face.

"Now you know how I felt when the Srivani played with my DNA. Naomi made me a nice woollen cap if you want it..."

Her hand joined his briefly on her scalp. "I'm sure it's only temporary."

His grin was replaced with a fond smile. "It's nice to see some colour on your face."

She squeezed his hand one last time before reluctantly letting go. "The ship?"

Chakotay sighed and set back down to brief her on the ship and their current situation.

He was interrupted 20 minutes later by the Doctor who insisted that the Captain needed to rest.

Kathryn knew that there really was not much point in arguing with him as the analgesic was making her quite drowsy.

Chakotay got up to leave. "Till tomorrow Captain."

He turned to check that the Doctor was out of hearing range before squeezing her hand one last time.

"Sweet dreams Kathryn."

Kathryn managed to grin sleepily at him before giving in to medication.

**********


	2. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... I caved in and continued this meandering tale... of - Them. :)

Four days later she was beamed unceremoniously to her quarters, the Doctor having overruled her protests over not being allowed to walk there.

"Your spine is still in recovery Captain, if you insist on leaving the sickbay, you will do so via the transporter, or not at all. I trust the commander has prepared everything for your return."

She didn't get much of a chance to reply before being whisked away by the transporter beam only to be deposited into her bed.

Her back muscles gave a warning twitch as she tried to move into a sitting position.

_Ouch._

"Kathryn?" Chakotay poked his head from the living room, his eyes closed. "Is it safe to look?"

She grinned at his antics. Having shared rather cramped living quarters for several months on New Earth there really was not all that much that he, or for that matter she, hadn't seen. "Yes, please come in."

He opened his eyes and froze for a moment. Kathryn was lying on the bed still dressed in the light blue sickbay scrubs, her hair, quite a bit longer than the last time he had seen her, forming a halo around her.

She was happy to see him relaxed and wearing civvies but was puzzled by his stare. Had her gown ridden to high? She could feel nothing amiss, but she was flat on her back and couldn't be sure.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes, right." he snapped out of it his trance and moved toward the bed. "What do you need me to do?"

"I want to wash and change but I can't put much stress on my back..."

"OK..." he started.

She wasn't about to torture him by asking her to help her dress. "Don't worry, I don't need you to wash me, I just need a towel and some lukewarm water, some underwear and a clean nightie, please. I can manage the rest," she said trying to slowly inch her way to a more manageable position on the bed.

Chakotay's hand on her knee stopped her in her tracks. "I have no problem helping you to wash. I just wanted to ask if you would be more comfortable if I got Sam or someone else to help with this bit."

Kathryn bit her lip. "I know it's stupid but I don't feel comfortable asking any of the crew. I don't want them to see me like this."

"Kathryn, I hate to be the one to tell you but our crew knows you are human. They respect you no matter what. "

Her eyes pleaded with him to stop. "Rationally, I know this… but, there is no one I trust more than you Chakotay."

He smiled "Of course.… no problem. How do you want to go about this?".

"I'm sorry I hadn't thought to ask you if..." she started.

"Don't. It's OK." His grinned making sure she understood he did not mind helping. "What do you need me to do first?"

"Could you just help me move to a sitting position?"

"Sure." He moved closer to her side "Is it safe to lift you? Doctor had me go over his instructions and said to exert the least amount of pressure on your back but he wasn't specific."

"Yes, as long as I am not the one moving the muscles it's fine."

He pushed his arms under her and easily lifted her. "Where to?"

She blushed as she felt his skin touching her back in places where the scrubs gave way.

"Just a bit higher up so that I can sit." she croaked.

He gently deposited her back against the pillows and covered her with the blanket.

"OK?"

"Yes, thank you." What was wrong with her? It was only her back! She touched Chakotay practically every day.

He was saying something.

"Sorry what?"

_Get a grip, Kathryn._

"Would you like some coffee before we get started?" he repeated, patiently.

"Yes, please."

"If it's safe to move you, I'll check with Doctor if it would be all right to run a bath for you. " Chakotay said moving to the living

room. "It would be more relaxing than a sponge bath."

As she considered that wonderful suggestion her eyes settled on her exposed arms. Her still sickly pale greyish arms. Thin black lines were still visible here and there, the skin yet to recover and fully heal. The rest of her must be in pretty much the same condition. Was that why Chakotay had started when he had first seen her as she had been beamed to her quarters?

"Or maybe get engineering to lower the Gs with an anti-grav unit so you can use the sonic shower without my help if you'd prefer that. " Chakotay continued misunderstanding the reason for her disquiet.

She hid her arms under the blanket as she heard the replicator finish with the order. "That's OK, there is no rush I think I'll just rest for a while."

He was back with the coffee. Kathryn seemed unusually flustered as she reluctantly accepted the cup, taking great care not to expose too much of her arm accepting the drink. She took a careful sip as Chakotay settled on the chair next to her bed.

"Kathryn, are you sure you are all right? You were keen on a bath not 2 minutes ago."

His brow rose in question as her answer took longer than usual.

"I...I just don't want you to see....to have to see me like this." rushed out of her.

His tattoo distorted in confusion, worry reflecting from his eyes.

"What is it that you don't want me to see? I saw you when you were beamed back, I've been to visit in sickbay for the past few days. If there is any additional scarring under the gown, you know that I am not squeamish. "

She was being ridiculous, this was Chakotay. And she was not a vain woman but this...how to explain it to him.

"You know that nothing I've seen will change how I think of you. I know you don't think me that shallow." he gently prodded.

Suddenly she felt like a tool. He was her best friend and had literally seen her at her worst. Which, in all honesty, was not much worse than her current condition.

"Chakotay, no, please. Of course, I know you better than that. I didn't mean to imply ..." she tried to get up to reassure him, forgetting about her back.

He stopped her just in time with his hand on her elbow. "I know. Now, tell me - what is going on here?"

She couldn't hold his gaze as she told the real reason "Look, it's stupid. I'm all grey and scarred, and I know that the Doctor told you most of the details but my hormones are also out of whack, my skin is hypersensitive to touch and... I can't move without hurting myself. Hell, I can't even get to the bathroom on my own."

She stopped, not wanting to make a bigger fool of herself.

"Kathryn...you were gravely injured, you are recovering. It might take time but you will be back to yourself soon enough..."

But he knew her well enough to know that there was more. "And...?"

The next bit came out in a rush "I feel helpless, and I hate that. I'm not vain but… I hate that you have to see me looking like this, repulsive and… pathetic." she whispered the last bit and wouldn't meet his eyes, a lone tear escaping.

*Damn hormones!*

Chakotay got out of the chair and moved to sit next to her on the bed. "Kathryn..." He waited patiently until she finally looked up "I am NOT repulsed by you. I don't care about any of the things you mentioned." he said taking her too pale hand gently in his own. "You are still you and I … I want to help you get better." he allowed her a moment, letting it sink in before adding "How is it different from you taking care of me when I had the Taerellian flu, or after the macro virus infection or... when I was recovering from the brainwash curtsy of Nakan."

"That was mutual." she rasped.

He wiped the tear silently making it's way down her cheek. Only for another to follow in its path. His heart hurt for her. She was such a strong woman, this was not as insignificant as she wanted him to believe.

"Kathryn...It's OK to feel this way just, please… talk to me..." He whispered leaning over and resting his forehead against hers, giving her the time to compose herself.

”It will get better, I promise...”

His calm presence and warmth gradually worked and the tears stopped. A few minutes later he continued:

"Now, in light of this, if you would feel more comfortable with someone else helping you with any of this just say so and I will find someone else."

His eyes sparkled with mischief "Hell, we'll install holographic projectors in your quarters if need be and get that Irish bartender of yours to help!".

Kathryn grinned through the tears "Please don't!".

"But, if not" he grew serious again "My offer still stands. It is up to you.". He squeezed her hand for emphasis "It will always be up to you.".

He was now talking about more than just the bath and her current situation.

She gripped his hand as hard as she could "Thank you."

"Always."

.................................

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting on my drive (and in my mind for quite some time). There is more to the story but it's still a WIP. Have decided to "dump" this, to force myself to continue writing. :)


End file.
